A Total Fucking Amateur's Guide to Playing Poker....
It's written by an amateur, at best, so if you get shitty as fuck, amateur results, then guess who gets the blame?
ANSWER: Shit, I don't know, I'm an amateuer and I have made that fact abundantly clear. Anyways, if you think these tips are anything other than AMATEUR bullcrap, then maybe you know how to play. But fuck, no guarantees. Perhaps, just maybe, you're as stupid as I am.
Anyways.... enjoy!!!
DISCLOSURE ENDS HERE
TIPS START HERE:
All of this is from personal experience...
TIP 1:
If you're one of those people who goes all-in on the first hand.... please, stop. You will generally lose. It is not a good strategy. The other, calculating, players will figure, "Okay, so that guy/girl is an idiot... no need to worry about him/her." Please, if you want to do anything remotely strategic, do not go all-in instantly, for fucks sake.
TIP 2:
You CANNOT scare away shitty players with bluffs. If they have anything that is remotely worth playing, they will play it. DO NOT attempt to bluff when there are seven other amateurs. One of them, surely, has gotten lucky and gotten a decent hand. Unless you have that AA, that AK suited, or that KK... chances are that one of the amateurs has something a slight bit better. Play fucking safe. Most of them will be out due to stupid, impatient, and ignorant bets in a very short span of time (give it 20 minutes at most).
TIP 3:
I'm drunk as could be.
TIP 4:
An Ace is not a game-changer. A suited Ace... maybe. We'll talk about that later. Don't bet the world just because you have an Ace.
TIP 5:
DO NOT go all-in on pocket deuces. I just did it. I had a fantastic position against 5 players. I lost. Fuck.
TIP 6:
ALL of this information applies exclusively to tournament games with nine players in which the top three players gain a profit. If you are in some other form of game.... I have no fucking clue what you should do. Best of luck!!!
TIP 7:
Given the choice between a Check and a Fold... please Check. Why do I even have to say that??? There's no fucking cost to it. Just do it!!! It's risk free, for fuck's sake.
TIP 8:
Generally: Play tight-aggressive. This means that you rarely bet, but when you do bet... (on good cards) bet hard as fuck!! Make those people with somewhat okay hands pay for their ambivalence.
TIP 9:
Fold shitty hands. Most hands are shitty hands. Move on.
TIP 10:
Given potential... try to minimize the cost of waiting for potential. If you have A-K suited but nothing good has presented itself yet... wait that shit out. Check like there's no tomorrow, and call only if the odds favor you. Maybe the goods will come and maybe they won't. Minimize your costs in the meantime.
TIP 11:
I've reached 3rd place while writing this, bitches!!!
TIP 12:
KK.... all in if you have to. It's probably the best call.
TIP 13:
Once again... idiots cannot be scared away. They will just keep betting.
TIP 14:
Fold crappy hands and don't feel bad about it. You got unlucky, get over it! Sometimes you will lose hard because the cards were not in your favor. That's fine and don't get upset. If you are actually good and you play the best plausible moves, then sooner or later you will be rewarded. Chill out and wait for those gains.
TIP 15:
Okay, I'm tired as fuck and would like to sleep, now. I hope everyone enjoyed this post.
Love y'all,
Night!!!
